This is the last thing people would want to say about themselves. *Sighz* But that's me. I have not been a good mother. I don't know how to be a good mother.
This has resulted my gal to distance away from me and became closer to an outsider.
Now that I am trying to pull back the distance but there's this outsider in between my gal and me :(
Hmm...
It is amazing or was it fate? I can't seems to find the right word to use.
An acquaintance whom you havent seen for more than a decade suddenly became the boyfriend of your junior and you heard your mom talking about this person but never know that it turns out to be someone you actually know and when you happened to see him in person, you realised that you actually know him and he was out with girl for the whole day... ...
When both of you met but neither of you wanna acknowledge each other... ...
Thereafter, you heard your mom talking about this acquaintance's situation and then you sympathise him alittle... ... *sighz*
The sympathy just kinda take away the bad impression you had of this acquaintance... ...
It has been a long long time since I last post any blog. Nobody is interested in Multiply anymore. However, I still regard Multiply as my Little Hide-out. It's a place where I can share with access rights. Unlike Multiply, posting anything on FB is as good as telling everybody.
Have been pondering about many things lately. Thought about marriage, about the existing relationship I am in, about my future, my daughter, my career, almost everything about me. I am uncertain of everything. I have no idea if I should move on or stay status quo. *Sighz*
Today is a not so good day. I am very unhappy about MA and it exploded within me this morning. Beary called me this afternoon to tell me how unhappy and disappointed he was. Hmm... and then the whole situation changed and he became the most unhappiest person on earth. It seems to me that he is so into himself that he had forgotten that I haven't had a good day too and I am very unhappy about certain things which happened to me too.
He probably feels that his issue was a bigger and more serious than mine. Well... everyone would think their problem needs more attention as compared to others... ...
It has been a long time since I last blog.
I'm leaving for China (Xiamen and Beijing) in a few more days -- 5 days to be exact. Not exactly excited. Probably because it's china we are going. What's more -- with his dad and granny. >.<
It's Adam & Karen's big day this Sunday! Seems like everyone around us have gotten married. Back to the same old subject again. However, this time round, it's a little different. As much as I wanna get married, I am asking myself if he's the one.
I think I am a cockster! I wanna get married. I am happy with him. Yet I don't know if he's the one for me!!!
He has changed over these years. Not exactly that wonderful boyfriend I know. Not that he is lousy but many things happened and as years passed, we grow and perspective changes, character mould differently while we survived thru in this society.
If he's not the one, then why am i wasting my time on him? Shouldn't I leave him?
I didn't forget how much he hurt me by changing his decision to NOT marry me.
I didn't forget the sweet nothings he wrote to Yit Ying behind my back + the way he tried to woo Yit Ying.
These are pain which I tried to forgive and want to forget but it's difficult. Does he ever know that these are within me?
I am thinking differently again. Should he not proposed or do anything about our relationship when I turn 30, I will probably leave things as it is BECAUSE I should not enter into a wrong relationship again and having to hurt myself, my child and my mom. *Sighz* Heart affairs are difficult to understand and explain. I don't know what I want. I need advice. but I don't want to think about it yet because there hasnt been any changes to anything yet... ...
On the other hand, I am so eager to get married. Seeing bride and groom makes me filled with jealousy --- but what to do... ...
Yesterday afternoon, SM, as usual, came over to our office to chat with me. As we were chatting, he asked me to patronise Chevrons more often and I could bring my hubby and daughter along. I told him that "yea, I intend to bring my mom there." We continued talking and he encouraged me to exercise and I told him that I have plans to jog twice a week after work and he asked if my hubby picks me up after work.
It was then I finally told him "Sir, I am a divorcee. That guy is my partner." As I was saying that, my tears filled up my eyes and were forcing to come out freely. *Gosh* I tried so hard to swallow them but it just forced its way out. I had no choice but to wipe my tears away.
Meanwhile, he told me that he was upset to hear that and even more upset to see me tear and tried to tell me that what I did was brave to walk out and that fellow was stupid -- w/o knowing the background of my divorce.
I told him that my mom gave me lotsa support and he added that "we all support you too!" *Thank you*
I guess he didn't know what to say and he tried to console me by telling me how he met his wife and how uncompatible they were but the Man up there has made the arrangements for us and he has been with his wife for 30 over years.
He also asked me if Johnson is working and where he is working. and even asked if we had plans to settle down.
While all these conversations were ongoing, MA was in his cubicle. I wondered if he heard and know that I cried. Good thing that I settled down my emotions just before KJ came back from his lunch.
So embarassing to cry in front of SM. but what ponders me was Why did I breakdown? Was it because I am ashame of my status? Or was it because the conversation concerns Beary?
Prior to that, I was lunching with Mui Har and we talked about my marriage with beary. I am not comfortable in revealing too much with mui har so we just talked about it briefly. While talking over it, at a few points, I was upset but I tried to control my emotions. I did. -- Probably because of that, I couldn't control anymore when SM touched on my triggered points again.
Or did I cry over my failed marriage? but why? I have NO feelings for him at all.
Eve of CNY was supposed to be a happy occasion. However, I have been very upset since 4pm today.
Around that time, we were all @ the living room preparing stuff for CNY. sis took out the clothings, which belongs to ah boy, in the washing machine because the machine had stopped going and she also wanted to wash our clothes.
Ah boy's gf saw that the clothes were removed from the machine and went to tell him about it, so he came out and asked who removed his bag of clothes from the machine. After that, he put them into the machine again. His gf then came out from the room and went to add softlan into the machine and sis commented softly about why she is washing the clothes twice and it waste water and electricity. I added that electricity is very expensive and they are using it w/o consideration because they are not contributing to the household. Upon hearing what we said, she went into the room and complained to my brother, so he came out of the room angrily and asked what did we tell his gf. We explained to him and even mom told him that electricity bills are going up these days. He raised his voice and told us off questioning why we are so concern with money. OF COURSE we are concerned with money! We are the ones who are working hard and contributing to the family. He is not contributing to anything, therefore, he is, OF COURSE NOT AT ALL CONCERNED with the increase in utility bill! He commented that I am so concerned about money and that's why I am FOREVER POOR! I told him whether or not I am poor is none of his business. He kept raising his voice and behaved in a gangsterism manner. How can I stand his attitude?! Mummy & sis asked me not to quarrel with him, I tried but he kept challenging me and asked me what I want now. While we were quarrelling, I told him, not happy, he is most welcome to leave the house. This was when the fight broke out. He held on to me, while i scratched hard on his chest, to throw me onto the floor. He used the chair and basin to throw at me (but failed because mummy & sis were shielding me). FUCKER! Exchange of vulgarities went on and more fights. I was so angry and aggitated that I told my mom that its either he go or i leave! and my bro kept challenging me to call for the police to chase him out -- he even said that he will only go if the police chase him out.
mummy, on the other hand, kept asking me to go into the room. At this instance, I realised that my mom and mavis was crying. Bastard! He kept challenging me and even when my mom brought me into the room, he chased over and kept challenging me. I asked him and that gal, in front of her, to get out!!!
In the midst of this fight, he kept questioning if I have ever treated him as my brother, he asked my mom if she has treated him as her son! He has got no brains.
He also kept saying that HE WILL ENSURE THAT I WILL NOT HAVE A PEACEFUL CNY ANNUALLY!!! -- This sounds like that old man's tone.
He also said that arent we from the same parents and why did I not treat him like my brother! == This sounds like that old man's tone too.
He also questioned why he is my brother and my daughter is not close to him! -- this sounds like the old man's tone as well.
From this entire quarrel, I have one belief -- That old man has done something and as a result, this is his behaviour!
While we were at the door of my room, his gf tried to pull him away while my sis and mom tried to shield me from him, he went to the extend of pushing my mom! FUCKER!
He pulled my hair hard and refused to let go. He tried to use his leg to kick me. I bited him hard on his arm too. Of course I am no angel. Whatever I did, I admit! BASTARD!
At the point when he pulled my hair and refused to let go, I squeezed his balls and refused to let go! FUCKER!
While all these were going on, at one point, my mom KNEEL DOWN and asked me not to move out.
I kept pulling my mom up and put her on the bed. That fucker went on to curse and swear at me. so did I!
My mom also told me that her 3rd finger was hurt and it was very painful. It swelled immediately.
When we were in the room, my mom also told me to bring her the phone and she wants to call for the police to ask him to leave.
The police took more than an hour to arrive.
When the police (a guy & a lady) were here. I was asked to go out and tell them what happened. I saw legs standing at the door (of that bastard's room)! I supposed they must be standing my the room to hear what's going on and if i had really called for the police since the door bell rang.
I briefly told the police what happened and she asked what do I want to do. Do I want to pursue the matter by sueing him and bringing up the matter to subordinate court? OR do I want to arrange for family counselling? and I am supposed to attend the counselling with him as well.
I realised that while I was in the room with my mom, he went out and used the chair and smashed the TV! Now my LCD is smashed! FUCKER!!!
He even had the cheek to open the door and asked me to leave the house during the quarrel!!!!!!!
I also remember him saying that I will lose my face and challenged me to go ahead to call the police. He's sooooo wrong. I will not feel shame to ask the police for help!
I was thinking if I shud ask for Police Protection Order. I had some bruises here and there on my arm. My right hand third finger was also hurt because the nails were bended outwards when he first slammed me onto the floor. It bleed but didn't break -- therefore it is very painful, wven when I bend my fingers.
after half an hr or so when beary called, then he knows about what happened. He was very angry and even swear at him. He even said that he wants to help me to throw him out.
I also told my mom that the police will not ask him to move out. In the end, he didn't move out too. He packed those stuff which we bought for him and threw them at the common corridor. -- this include the new jacket which we bought for him for christmas and the label was still intact.
Ever since he got together with this gal, his attitude has been very bad. He has not had once dine at home since he started going out with this ah lian gf. They isolated themselves from us. Apparently this ah lian gf is pretty rich. She bought alot of stuff and i also learnt from her blog (an hour or so ago) that she has another bf and he is in jail -- will be out on 20th!
Reunion dinner was spoilt. None of us have appetite.
LCD screen cracked. I can't invite my friends over to my house anymore. I BOUGHT THAT LCD TV with my own MONEY!!!! I was so tempted to go into his room and break his LCD TV as well. BASTARD!
My mom said he will move out soon and told my sis that if he were to pack his stuff, dun ask him where he will be staying or etc.. and dun need to ask him for the keys. we'll just change a lock so that he can't come back again. She also mentioned that she don't have a son.
I am not trying to get rid of him. As long as he do his part for the family, respect my mom and dun behave inconsiderately, i've got nothing against him. why did he have to behave like that? Why did he have to protect that ah lian to the extend that we can't even comment?
I also asked about the empty canned drinks. A big pack beside the dinning area is as if that area is a rubbish dump. Why he cant clear his stuff neat and bring out the unwanted stuff??? Sis and mom has already told him days ago about the empty cans but he did nothing to it! I commented that if he dun want, then i will throw them away. he then replied that all these are money. You try throwing my cans, i will throw ... out (i didn't hear him clearly but i guess he was saying my stuff). On that's the trigger point of the while fight!
I feel very upset and angry with myself for upsetting my mom and even causing her finger to hurt. Now her finger is swollen and bruised. I feel so useless. I even had to cause her to kneel at me. This is so unfilial. I even spoilt my family's cny.
beary asked if i wanna go out after my dinner. no mood. really no mood. sighz. I dun even want to talk to him in details of what had happened. I hope the quarrel will end here and no more trouble. I dun want to upset my mom again.
Gosh... ... We just stepped into February a few days ago and I don't have any recollection of happenings in January... ... *got to think hard* --- Why is my memory bank failing me?
Oh oh... we went to the Singapore Philatelic Museum on 01 Jan 2010. We went Red Star for dim sum breakfast before heading there. It was our first time visiting the museum and it was fun.
Oh... ... I also had a few outings with Ken, Sihui and Kareen! The best outing was that we all went drinking, had supper and slept over @ Beary's place. Followed by having breakfast and dinner together on the next day. *hahaha*
Had bazaar @ Safra Toa Payoh on 9th & 10th of January. Earnings was so-so only. On last Sunday of Jan, I was also @ the bazaar in Bishan. Earnings was good! but the Organiser said that we should have more -- which means it was not good enuff. Gotta work hard!
January have been a busy month for me and this is going to continue til Apr 2010. I have been doing OT almost everyday. There are just so many tasks to complete. The newspapers have announced that my boss' tour is ending, hence, we are busy with farewell visits -- lotsa visits and this is going to continue till end of Mar (-.-) Besides that, I gotta handle the CNY reception with a total of 800+ guests. I gotta handle my day-to-day registry operation. AND even SM is having overseas trips as well and I gotta advice and assist him. -- I told KJ that the workload is up to my neck already!! I like to be busy but I am worried that I may screw things up when I am not careful enuff. Good thing that air show just ended successfully for me. I hope CNY Reception will be a success as well -- one more week for me to settle all the outstanding preparations before the reception day.
Oh... Beary's family & I went for our annual photo shoot in Jan too. It was fun. Will upload the pictures soon :)
Had a few dinners with XL in the west as I have been working late almost everyday, and we left almost the same time. She has been introducing me makan places in the west :p
Hmm... what else?? We hadn't been going out with YL lately because we were all busy and though she has asked me to join her for shopping, I didn't have the time.
Oh oh... and XL & I went over to CH's place w/o telling her because we wanted to give her a b'day surprise. We bought beer and food and a small cake over to her place and feast! *hehe* However, she wasn't surprised or she didn't looked surprised. *kekeke* Probably her emotions or expressions doesn't reveal much but she probably was :) --- I didn't take any pictures because I have been tooo tired and lazy :p
mmm.... Jan has been pretty quiet huh... I supposed that's all which took place.
Hmm... this is an SIC post. I did a "test" to ensure that my post didn't appear on the Inbox for everyone's viewing before I starting drafting this post.
Friday and Saturday was Party day for us - Kareen, Sihui, Ken, Johnson & I. It has been a long time since we really club. It was fun. Kareen & Sihui came over to Johnson's place to sleep after Lunar and we even went for breakfast @ Chinatown the next day. :)
Talking about Sihui -- I feel very sad for her. I don't know the exact reason for her to broke down but I think the sad feelings were supressing w/in her for a long period. She must be feeling terrible. That kinda feeling is very lousy and difficult to endure. Sighz... She's such a pretty gal but her boyfriend is not appreciating her. Seeing her checking her hp and ended with empty hopes -- that's sad. I really can understand how she feels because I have been thru those feelings before.
What is wrong with those guys out there hurting us gals? How do we deserve all these pain and tears? Of course there is a choice for us to not be hurt.. that is to not get ourselves involved in the game BUT we are human beings. Human beings are filled with feelings. Falling in love is part and parcel of life. Which explains Qi Qing Liu Yu!
I hope that Sihui will feel the trigger point and see things clearer. She will probably feel better and recover slowly after trigger point. Sighz... Of course that is not easy.
Just like in my instance -- I am sad over my relationship with beary too. I havent meet the trigger point which would influence me to make a decision between us. and of course, i hope I never have to decide about leaving him or loving him.
Anyway, back to the main purpose of my entry. It is SIC because I wanna blog about my health. I am really worried that something is not right with my body, which results in the bleeding and fluid flowing out from my body. I don't know if it has got any thing to do with my menses or womb because I have already had my menses ealy this month. What is it that is causing all the bleeding. I am really worried. I guess I really have to see a doctor to seek some assurance..
These few days I kept asking myself the same question -- if something were to happen to my health, will I tell Beary? I dunno if I should. and I dunno if I were still continue to be with him. but I hope he will continue to help me look after my family if I were unable to be arnd to do so... ...
