09 Nov 09

I'm feeling very unhappy today. This unhappiness occurred after my dinner with Beary & his granny. He accused me of not taking care of his granny and that I am behaving as if I dare not "touch" her. He was very unhappy with me and raised his voice at me after his granny got off the car.

Of course I cried and I kept quiet through the entire journey home. How much must I do so that I can fulfil his expectation? He didn't praise me for opening the door for his granny. He didn't thank me for serving his granny tea and all he could see was that I did not hold on to her when she was walking. He claimed his granny was behaving like a fragile old lady and why I left her walking on her own when he was not holding on to her. -_-"

All along, I doesn't hold on to her when she walk. I only hold on to her when she goes up and down the stairs. Why is there a sudden change in SOP?

On our way home last night, I was thinking about our relationship -- Should I cling on OR should I let go? What kinda man is Beary? Is he really keen settling down with me? What does he expect from me?

While we were at the saloon ytd, Louis asked if we have no plans to settle down because we will be in our 30s next year. I kept quiet. The silence was awkward. Beary replied "in a year or two".

I am determined that if I dun hear from him about settling down by 21 Nov 2010, I should really consider giving it up. What's the point of clinging on when there's no outcome? I would probably be happier on my own after the "injury" period on him.

A man, willing to let go of someone he claims he love, because he is worried of how others sees him --- is he worthy?

Has he changed or this is the real Johnson that I am seeing?

Or am I the problem? Am I the one who is pre-destinated to be lonely? hence, we are not working out well.

I am very upset. I feel like crying out loud and hard. I smiled, I laughed in front of my colleagues but I know I am not happy.

Does Beary know that I am unhappy?

Does Beary know why I am unhappy?

Does Beary know what I want? Do I know what Beary want? Human beings are selfish. They are only conscious of what they want! *Sighz*

He always claim that he place me above everything. I doubt otherwise.

Sometimes I feel so pathetic that I would consider if I should be back with Junhua. *haha* as if he also wants me! Good thing that YL will discourage me from doing it *Clever horses should never turn back to the previous patch of grass for food*

I guess if I really want to break off with Beary, it's gonna be a clean break this round. Not testing anymore water.

I wonder if he knows what I was thinking when we were on our way home ytd... ...