Updates for the month of Nov 09

As I am drafting this post, I realised that I don't have much recollection of what took place in Nov, except for my b'day and Kareen's big day!

Hmm... let's see... ...

November is always classify as lull period but it has been a busy month for me. I have so much work and o/s trips to handle. *Phew* and it is not over yet.

I missed the WSS staff dinner which was held on 6 Nov 09.

We went Ocean Butterfly to do the recording on our well wishes for JS & Kareen's wedding. Mavis did a good job and I think she can further develop her potential so that I can be a "xing" ma! *hahaha*

Our alumni meeting is back again!!! FYI, its still ongoing :p We're in the midst of organising the annual CNY reunion luncheon :)

I also accompanied Beary to the National Stadium to watch the soccer match betwen Singapore and Thailand. *Disappointing* The only good thing was our lions did not get zero goal in our home ground!

Thank you to Beary, my care bear group & DHW (less YL) for joining in and made the Nov b'day celebration a success ^_^ What a surprise!!! oh and not forgetting the "Hen" night and "Bachelor" night! ;)

The gals also meet up very frequently in the month of Nov 09 to help out in the preparation of Kareen's wedding. From shopping, to packing of wedding favours, to brainstorming of how to give the guys a good treat in the morning of their big day, etc etc. We ended up going home arnd 11+ on those days when we meet up but it was fun, though tiring on the next day.

Now that everything has been completed, something seems to be missing :)

Meet up with Jen, Sue and Alan for dinner @ Sakae Sushi on last Tues of the week to catch up on what's going on in life. *Thank you Jen for the dinner treat*

I bought a pink dress for the "Gate Crash". A niece piece and I can wear it for other events and outings :) Her luncheon theme was black, hence, not difficult -- I have plenty in my wardrobe :p

After their customary, we sent them, together with their barang barang, to the hotel and then we head home to take a nap because I wake up @ 4.30am in the morning (0_o) *Tired*

Later in the evening, we decided to buy food and have it in their bridal suite. We stayed til about 12+.

Woke up early in the morning again, washed up and went Snapz to set my hair and make up before heading down to the hotel. Luncheon has got its "air" and ambience. *wow* There were video of famous artists sending their well wishes to the Bride & Groom. We also get to enjoy the live performance of some local artists. *hahaha... wonderful* Food was okay, apparently from Tong Lok, but it didn't leave me with much impression -- probably because I was busy or I wasn't really hungry.

Oh ya... this one must blog. I was supposed to sit right at the back of the ball room. I kept joking about the fact that I super dislike having to be seated at the back or one corner of the ball room and that I will leave after the reception -- I got a 2nd row seat (after the VIP table) :p *hahaha* and I also kept "psycho-ing" LC to leave with me after the reception (of course, it was not going to take place).

Of course it is not because of what I had joked about and managed to get a front table but because our bride may need to call for us in the midst of the luncheon :)

After the lunch, everyone took pictures. The carebear gang took group photos. Everyone left happily. We went home to change and went out to have dinner with Adam and Karen @ MS.

I have to blog about this as well -- Beary & I spent $40 "fishing" nothing @ soft toy corner (if you know what I am talking about) while Karen "fish" an Elmo for $2! Lucky her but not for us. $2 for an elmo was COOL! *envy* It was addictive!
Think about it -- you could have gotten a better soft toy @ mini toon for $40!!!
*Shit* I am so stupid!!!

I have decided that Beary will BUY a soft toy, some cute character which is also available in that crafty machine, from mini toon and then carry it in my arms and walk pass over and over again that soft toy corner, showing off my soft toy! *humph*

Kareen & JS joined us for dinner @ Swensens as well. Supposed to catch a mid-night movie but we didn't do so in the end -- I can't remember why. (0.-)

Come to think of it, I didn't really do much in Nov 09. Besides having a few dinner dates with LC @ our usual place, I didn't go out with the DHW as well. XL did ask me to go Dragonfly with her on a few Fridays, but I have been too tired (-_-) and didn't have the mood so we keep postponing our outings.

Lastly, it's MY birthday!!! Thank you to my dearest Beary for all the lovely surprises and all my friends who had celebrated with me and the lovely gifts from all of you. Pictures tells a thousand words - therefore, I shall not elaborate more. Look out for my posting :)

27 Nov 09 - Trust

Is it him or is it her? I cannot understand why a female colleague of yours will want to message you in the late nights to ask what you are doing or qtns like do you wanna have supper together etc.

A gal who has a boyfriend has nothing better to do on a PH, on a weekend and no need to accompany boyfriend and her boyfriend is so generous to have her messaging her other male colleagues to ask silly qtns???

Why doesn't that happen to me? Perhaps, I should try to msg my guy friends for no reason as well.

I see that as one kinda flirt as well. I really don't know what I should do to STOP all these. I am like sitting on a roller coaster. At times, I enjoy the ride, at times I am fearful, at times i worried that I might fall off the roller coaster.

I'm upset. and he knows that i am upset but he is not doing anything.

He loves me? He loves me not?

I told him about my time frame for marriage today while we were preparing dinner. I am serious that if he is serious about settling down with me, we should do it by next year. He was quite reluctant initially and (agn) accusing me of pressuring him. *sighz* It's all excuses, isn't it?? His initially reaction makes me feel that he's really not serious about settling down with me. However, after a while, i touched about this topic again and he was like "okay". I dunno if he is really okay or he is just putting up a front.

Sighz...

Can that lady stop being too friendly with him????? Always make me feel upset because of her little actions. Yes, if he were to know how i feel, he will definitely think that i am stupid for wanting to think that way. he will think that i am crazy and i choose to make myself upset. but he doesnt really understand how i feel... ... He doesn't understand the feeling of being trapped in a roller coaster... ...

My heart really aches.

26 November 2009

Did I blog anything on this day a year ago?

I didn't want to browse through to find out cos I will tend to feel even more emotional if I do so.

If everything had been smooth and I hadn't taken the initiative to drop him an email, seeing that he was unhappy about tying the knot with me, and that if he had behaved like a man, things may have turn our differently and we may have tied the knot and today, we may be celebrating our 1st year wedding anniversary.

I wonder if he have any impression of it and if he remember anything special about this date :(

Nowadays when any of our common friends or my friends were to ask him about such thing, he would definitely reply "soon soon..." I really doubt this "soon soon..." though I also hoped that he will really keep to his words.

Everything should have a deadline and I am sure the deadline of 30-years old is more than sufficient... ...

Will I always remember this date? If I don't want to let go, I will never be happy. I know it clear.

I may have been too sensitive but I could feel that he is still not serious about settling down with me. I hope I am wrong. I happened to browse thru a conversation I kept between him and his china room mate, sue -- the one which sue expressed her interests in him. When Sue prompted him if he is sure to settle down with me and marry me, he replied "nobody knows what will happen in the future." This definitely gives sue the impression that he is still sourcing for one and I am definitely not suitable enuff for him :( How sad.

09 Nov 09

I'm feeling very unhappy today. This unhappiness occurred after my dinner with Beary & his granny. He accused me of not taking care of his granny and that I am behaving as if I dare not "touch" her. He was very unhappy with me and raised his voice at me after his granny got off the car.

Of course I cried and I kept quiet through the entire journey home. How much must I do so that I can fulfil his expectation? He didn't praise me for opening the door for his granny. He didn't thank me for serving his granny tea and all he could see was that I did not hold on to her when she was walking. He claimed his granny was behaving like a fragile old lady and why I left her walking on her own when he was not holding on to her. -_-"

All along, I doesn't hold on to her when she walk. I only hold on to her when she goes up and down the stairs. Why is there a sudden change in SOP?

On our way home last night, I was thinking about our relationship -- Should I cling on OR should I let go? What kinda man is Beary? Is he really keen settling down with me? What does he expect from me?

While we were at the saloon ytd, Louis asked if we have no plans to settle down because we will be in our 30s next year. I kept quiet. The silence was awkward. Beary replied "in a year or two".

I am determined that if I dun hear from him about settling down by 21 Nov 2010, I should really consider giving it up. What's the point of clinging on when there's no outcome? I would probably be happier on my own after the "injury" period on him.

A man, willing to let go of someone he claims he love, because he is worried of how others sees him --- is he worthy?

Has he changed or this is the real Johnson that I am seeing?

Or am I the problem? Am I the one who is pre-destinated to be lonely? hence, we are not working out well.

I am very upset. I feel like crying out loud and hard. I smiled, I laughed in front of my colleagues but I know I am not happy.

Does Beary know that I am unhappy?

Does Beary know why I am unhappy?

Does Beary know what I want? Do I know what Beary want? Human beings are selfish. They are only conscious of what they want! *Sighz*

He always claim that he place me above everything. I doubt otherwise.

Sometimes I feel so pathetic that I would consider if I should be back with Junhua. *haha* as if he also wants me! Good thing that YL will discourage me from doing it *Clever horses should never turn back to the previous patch of grass for food*

I guess if I really want to break off with Beary, it's gonna be a clean break this round. Not testing anymore water.

I wonder if he knows what I was thinking when we were on our way home ytd... ...