4th Day: 12 Feb 09

I've bought a wallet for him as a Valentine's Day gift. I have also bought him a shirt which I planned to give it to him on Valentine's Day. The wallet was supposed to be despatch to him but my brother's schedule doesn't permit and I am worried that he might cock up, hence, I left it inside his bag this morning and hopefully he would discover it when he reached office. However, he saw it when we were at the void deck because he wanna put the sausage into his bag. The wallet was accompanied with a card which I wrote all my heart-felt THANKS.

I suddenly have the urge to get into his Facebook this morning and I discovered that he started to send messages to the lady since 17 Sep 08! That was the day we went to register for our ROM date! It led me to think if she is one of the factor for not wanting to ROM with me. He told me that she was not one of the causes – I hope it is true.

Sighz... ... I still don't feel secure. I am still worried that he still likes her. I can't really stop him from contacting her if he really want to do it (cos I wouldn't know if he had want to hide it from me). All I can do now is to salvage this relationship and pray to god for help. I am also praying hard that he won't email or msg the lady Valentine's Day greeting. I hope he will really keep his promise to me and cut off contact with her.

I should not bring up this lady anymore. At times, I dunno if I am stupid or clever. I wondered how things are going to be like if I hadn't confront him. I really hope that we can start afresh and bring the relationship back on track.

Today I told myself that I will try not to expose him anymore if I saw any mails or messages between them. If he has promised me to cut off contact but secretly still want to continue “making” friends with her, it would mean the end for both of us. Even now, if he wants to set up a new email acc solely for communicating with her, he could do it w/o my knowledge. If this really happened, it would be very sad. Sighz...

I am still pondering over the qtn - Am I easily replaced?

I proposed to him that we could go for counselling on how to tackle the current problems and he agreed. I was happy with his reaction. Even if it was just to bluff me, I am still happy.

Suddenly I became very negative. I kept having the fear that he will leave me and I just keep sighing. If he really decides to leave me... ... I cannot imagine how to survive w/o him as he has been in my life for the past 5 years.

If I had known but not confronted him, how would the situation be like? Given my personality, I cannot control such emotions and once I find out, I got to talk it out. This whole thing somehow led me to think song – xiang shui you du. All these also triggered my memory to recall a story about a man and his wife who was a civil servant... It was a good ending for her and I hope it would be a good one for me too.

No mood to work. Keep looking forward to knock off and meeting him. It's like we've just started our relationship and I am yearning to meet him every minute! I hope this is a good thing.