My Relationship

I am having mood swings again. I am starting to have thoughts on breaking up with him again. At times I asked if I am happy with him. I asked if things would turn out better or worst after marriage. I asked if it is a good thing that we didn't get married.

I am beginning to see all my friends (with partners) getting married. Even the last one, among the few friends, had been taken off the shelf. I'm the only one left and I am the only one being mocked about.

Ha. When people used to tell me about how selfish their boyfriends / hubbies were, I used to criticise them and thank god that Johnson is not selfish.

When I used to listen to people saying that their boyfriends refused to settle down, etc, I will wondered why these people are like that and thank god that Johnson is not so.

So many things happened around me and I always thank god that Johnson is not like them BUT I am so wrong. Either I am wrong in judgement or that I am experiencing my retribution -- I am experiencing all that I have heard about from friends around me!!!

Few days ago when I was deleting messages from my hp, I saw those SMSes he sent me. He claimed that I should just sit back and wait for him to propose and that he will do it when the time comes. He told me not to rush and he will plan for it BUT WHAT's noW??? Everything got back to zero though he proposed.

Fortune teller said that once I got married and divorced, I won't have a 2nd marriage. That's probably truth. Initially, I was still very confident to proof the fortune teller wrong!

Whenever I had these mood change, I would think that I should not continue to be with him and that I should just quietly let go. Sighz...

I ever said that if he didn't propose to me by last year, I would break off with him but he did. Just that we didn't get married.

Everyone feels that he is very good to me. How do they define "good"? Am I not good for him? If that's the case then shouldn't we just end off instead of wasting each other's time?

I need companion. He's the only one who can give me most of his time. If I were to break off with him, I would have to be all alone again. How sad. Is it more saddening to stay on just for companionship and feel unhappy within myself at the same time?